Lawyers are a lot like proctologists. We spend a lot of our time dealing with assholes.

I try to ensure the assholes are all on the other side.

It might be the opposing lawyer. I had a trial where the opposing lawyer got so flustered that he could not find the right page in his binder while he was talking to the trial judge. We could all see him repeatedly flip past the right page, apparently not seeing it. Finally, I stood up next to him and in a consciously courteous voice said: “Here, let me help you.” He shrieked at me: “I don’t want your help!” The judge was clearly offended. She had been leaning forward attentively. At my “friend’s” outburst, she sat back in her chair and glared. He never noticed. I made no comment (my halo was shining brightly) and sat down. We had a massive win. Was it because the judge thought opposing counsel was an asshole? Unlikely that was her only reason. Did it factor in? I suspect so.

The asshole might be the opposing party. I had family trial where the opposing husband had been married many times. My client was wife #7. For whatever reason, his lawyer led him through describing all the previous marriages. Except, the guy couldn’t keep them all straight. He would ask his lawyer: “Was that the German?” or “Was she the fat one?” Part of his evidence was how little he had given to his previous six wives when they divorced. I think the purpose was to show that he should not have to pay above the husband’s usual rate for my client, wife #7. Really, it just showed what an asshole he was. Every time the judge’s face got a little more pinched. She never said anything about it. We scored another huge win. In her judgment, the judge referred to how he had treated all those other wives. Again, was her decision soley based on what an asshole the husband was? I doubt it. Did it help us? For sure.

Judges and jurors decide based on two things: (1) Who they think is right. (2) Who they want to win.

The Donald Trump hush money trial is a good example of the asshole principle in operation. Admit it: We are all fascinated by it.

In the presence of the jury, Trump has done the following:

• Farted

• Fallen asleep — repeatedly

• Sworn out loud while Stormy Daniels testified

• Read newspaper clippings about himself

Will his assholish behavior necessarily result in a verdict against him? I doubt it. But, usually in the jury room, they discuss the points made by both sides. The Prosecutor said X, but the Defence Lawyer said Y. This witness said A. That witness said B.

My experience is that the jurors (or judge) tend to recoil from adopting the asshole’s argument or the asshole’s evidence. They are left with just one side they are prepared to accept.

The adjudicated rapist and convicted fraudster Trump should be on his best behaviour. He should demonstrate that he respects the process, the judge, the prosecuting lawyers, and the jurors. But he treats everyone — even his own lawyers with contempt. Maybe this IS his best behaviour. He’s a big orange asshole. When he loses, he will be the one to blame.

Wanna bet that he won’t accept responsibility? Wanna bet that he’ll blame everyone else? Of course he’ll blame everyone except the one whose fault it really is: the big orange asshole.

When you have a legal issue to resolve: Don’t be an asshole. Don’t pick an asshole for your lawyer.

At Clear Legal, we have been calling out assholes since 1990.