Most family cases are better settled than taken to trial.  Don’t get me wrong: I love trials.  I love the cut and thrust, trapping liars in their lies, exposing bad parents’ bad actions.  I love defeating other lawyers.

But I have to ask: How is this helping the kids?  If I expose Mom or Dad as nasty, petty, or selfish – what happens after I collect my fee and close my file?  Likely, Mom and Dad will be locked into anger and resentment for years to come.  That will certainly affect the kids.  Having Dad tell the kids that Mom’s lawyer is “one of the lizard people” (true story) is pretty sad.

At some level you and the other parent need to cooperate for the rest of the kids’ lives.  Whatever went wrong in your relationship with the other parent won’t change that.  You both will want to attend little Bobby’s school play.  Both should be there for Satinder’s high school graduation ceremony.  Both there to celebrate the birth of grandchildren.  Both there for important dates: religious holy days, anniversaries, school events, etc.

Going to trial and fighting for every last inch is likely to destroy any chance of cooperating about the kids.  That will damage your kids.  They will see that relationships between parents are based on hatred and vindictiveness.  They will copy that hatred and disrespect in their own relationships.

The test you should apply is: When my kid is 35, will this matter?  Will it matter if Gina spends Christmas with me in the odd years , or with the other parent?  Will it matter if Ahmad’s Saturdays activity is swimming, or soccer?  Whether Dad gets the kids for July 1-15, or if it’s July 16-31?  Nope.  Let me say that again: NOPE.

Is it worth spending tens of thousands of dollars, and enormous amounts of energy on these points? NOPE.  Is it worth going to court and painting the other parent as a monster because she wants to take the kids to Disneyland on “your” time?  Or painting him as “manipulative” because he volunteered to coach your kid’s sports team on “your” time? NOPE.  NOPE. NOPE.

When the issue relates to kids the only thing that matters is: what’s in the best interest of the kid?  Not what’s “fair” to Mom and Dad.  Not what’s “equal”.  Not what’s set out in the court order.  I don’t see many judges stopping by houses to check that the kids had a proper meal, washed their hands, went to bed at the right time, etc.  That’s your job.  As parents. To act like grownups. 

You can teach your children.  You can teach them that what matters is kindness.  If not love, at least tolerance.  Patience. 

Sometimes settling your differences is the best gift you can give your child. Use the money you save for their university fees.

At Clear Legal we have been finding ways to help our clients recognize what matters and what really doesn’t since 1990.